‘Things I wish someone had told me when I first started playing’ – some tips and lessons learned, part 1

When I first came into the scene, I had a lot of misconceptions about what exactly BDSM was. I knew that I had a vague urge to tie someone up, and that I liked dressing up. That was about it. Attending my first party, I didn’t know who I might meet, what to expect or what was ok.

It’s ok to be a newbie

My first experience with kink was at the Sydney Hellfire Club. I went there with my then husband. We didn’t know anyone else who was kinky, and we had never explored kink before. It seemed like everyone there knew each other, and everyone seemed so experienced. People were talking with confidence about this thing called Shibari. There was someone in the corner on a St Andrew’s Cross, being expertly flogged by their partner.

I didn’t know what a St Andrew’s Cross was. I didn’t know how to flog someone safely. All of this new information was intimidating and confusing, and unfortunately I handled it in the worst possible way – I pretended to know what I was doing and picked things up as I went along.

Now, as a more experienced player, I look back and cringe when I recall how irresponsible I was. Even after five years of being in the scene, there are still lots of things that I don’t know how to do. I’m sure that in twenty years there will still be plenty of things that will surprise me. Now, whenever I try something new, I am honest about the fact that I don’t know what I am doing.

There are plenty of articles, you tube videos, meet up groups and workshops that will be run by the local community – so use them! If you don’t know how to do something, do some reading about it and then find a workshop or demonstration in your local area. Find someone who is an experienced top or bottom and ask them how they became an expert – or ask if you can practice with them. Your future play partners will thank you for it, and you will gain a reputation for being a safe player.

Miss Pixie

ps. from Stuniverse..

To expand a little on what Miss Pixie is saying; a strong recommendation from me is to find a safe player or players and ask them if they’ll take you under their wing for a while. The key thing here is to ask around. You’ll quickly start to hear the same names coming up as safe people to learn from. Don’t necessarily accept what the first person tells you. Take your time to chat to lots of people- it might feel super exciting, but there’s really no rush to start playing until you feel comfortable. Going to fast could end up being distressing for you, or you could end up unintentionally hurting someone.

If you’re a Dominant this can be especially challenging (as I found it to be for male ego reasons), but do try to acknowledge to yourself that you’re learning something new and it’s OK not to know what you’re doing. Get yourself along to a few ‘munches’ where the pressure is off and you chat away without feeling pressured to play.

As a Dom, a great idea is to find a super experienced sub to play with who can work with you and steer you a little into some good practices. ‘Topping from the bottom’ is no bad thing if the Dom is learning. You’ll find as your confidence grows you’ll soon be turning it around and putting a stop to that sort of nonsense ;).

Part 2 coming soon..

About Miss Pixie

Ms Pixie is a woman of many talents. As well as assisting with the running of Ethical Kink, she also runs a separate business practicing as a queer friendly, kink aware health professional. A vegetarian for over 13 years, she made the journey from animal welfare to animal rights via her interest in feminism, kink and body modification. Ms Pixie assists with ethical issues, business planning and writes regularly for the Ethical Kink blog. She is also the full time partner and submissive of Stuniverse. When she isn’t working she enjoys playing guitar, dancing and fire twirling. She also makes a mean vegan lentil pot pie ;)

2 Responses to “‘Things I wish someone had told me when I first started playing’ – some tips and lessons learned, part 1”

  1. Ash | August 3, 2016 at 12:24 pm #

    Im a newbie and I am COMPLETELY lost. I have so many questions that need answering, and I have no way to find any answers. I live in the Middle East so there is little to no chance that I can find anyone to clear my doubts 🙁 Can you suggest any other way I could explore the world of BDSM?

    • Stuniverse | September 8, 2016 at 2:42 pm #

      Hi Ash!

      My suggestion is to sign up to Fetlife – there is lots of information available there, and groups to join to chat with people who will be able to help you find your feet. The most important thing is to take it slowly and be respectful of others – consent is very important :).

      I hope that was some use!

Leave a Reply