BDSM or abuse

BDSM or abuse? Part 2

BDSM or abuse? Part 2.

Did you miss part 1? You can read it here.

What would consent actually look like?

Ok, so lets have a look at the same situation and imagine it in a context that would create an environment where Ana could consent. Hell, while we’re at it, let’s imagine 50 Shades of Grey as a good movie with a decent plot and some halfway interesting sex! Hmm, perhaps that is asking a bit much of our imaginations, but we could at least still put some hot, consensual sex in there at the end to make up for it!

Ana and Christian would get to know each other in a comfortable setting, person to person, before the topic of BDSM was ever even raised. Christian could use those encounters to create a context to show Ana that he is aware and concerned about the kinds of privilege that he holds.

He could take her to free places that they will both enjoy, like the park or the library, so that they can interact in environments where money is not a factor. They could talk about privilege and power, and women’s historical disempowerment, and how they might present in some of the books that Ana is reading for class.

When she calls him drunk (a scene that occurs in the movie), and says she does not want to tell him where she is, he could respect her no, and then call her the next day to make sure she made it home safe. He could even come over with breakfast and some aspirin to let her know that he will still look after her even when she does things he doesn’t like.

If they did decide to enter into a Dominant/submissive relationship, he could let her know that they will continue to have a relationship as friends or as partners whether or not she decides to be his submissive. If he buys her gifts, he could ask her if she feels comfortable with gifts, and then make it clear that these things are now hers, and will never be taken away.

All of these things create a context where power and privilege is actively discussed, and where the negative consequences for Ana, should she say no to being his submissive, are addressed. While the power differences still exist, a context has been created in which Ana can say no with as few negative consequences as possible. This is what true consent looks like – both partners working together to create a relationship where each partner is as free as possible to truly express their wants and needs.

Want some more information? Check out the excellent wheel of violence and control: www.abuseandrelationships.org

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About Miss Pixie

Ms Pixie is a woman of many talents. As well as assisting with the running of Ethical Kink, she also runs a separate business practicing as a queer friendly, kink aware health professional. A vegetarian for over 13 years, she made the journey from animal welfare to animal rights via her interest in feminism, kink and body modification. Ms Pixie assists with ethical issues, business planning and writes regularly for the Ethical Kink blog. She is also the full time partner and submissive of Stuniverse. When she isn’t working she enjoys playing guitar, dancing and fire twirling. She also makes a mean vegan lentil pot pie ;)
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